Just Enough
by greysantomyyyyyxxxxxx
Summary: Meredith can't have Derek. Mark can't have Addison. So they settle for just enough. MerMark, MerDer, MarkAddison. Updated with final chapter!
1. Let's be here now

_**Just Enough**_

_**Author's Note: So here's my next multi-chapter fic. I'm still playing around with style and exactly where I want the plot to go. For the record it's Mer/Der, but I might take me a while to get there. All italicized text is Meredith's thoughts. As always, I hope this is different from the other fics out there, and I hope you enjoy. Review, please, it seriously makes my day.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **_

Meredith slams the cool shot glass back down on the wooden bar. She's been sitting her all night. She was here the night before that and the night before that. Some might call her an alcoholic, but she prefers broken.

It's been two weeks since prom night. Two weeks of avoiding Derek. Two weeks since she broke up with Finn when he followed her home after prom. Two weeks seem like forever.

Tonight she forgets about all of that and just thinks about the numbing feeling of tequila running down the back of her throat. She sits there alone. Occasionally talking to Joe, but the majority of the time she just stares into blank space. It is better this way.

"Is this seat taken?" a man asks Meredith. She snaps her head around and sees Mark Sloan standing next to her. She shakes her head no. She is on her sixth or seventh shot; hell she had lost count after three. She is far beyond the point where she could muster the energy to protest.

Mark looks visibly shaken.

_Should I ask him what's wrong? I mean do I even want to know._

"Can I have a single malt scotch," Mark orders and then looks to her, "and a shot of tequila?"

The pair does not speak again until Joe sits the drinks in front of them.

"Thanks," Meredith says as she takes the shot glass to her lips. It goes down smooth and easy, or maybe it didn't, but maybe it is the pain of the harsh liquor that Meredith likes so much. With her liquid courage Meredith finally asks a question she's not so sure she wants the answer to.

"What happened," she asks as she turns to face Mark.

"The same old shit."

"Care to elaborate?"

"She knows. She knows about you and Derek."

"What do you mean?"

"She knows about you two at prom."

_Fuck._

Mark continues, "She called me hysterical. She's so unhappy but she refuses to give up. She's going to let him keep hurting her."

_Oh my God, I have to go. I have to go._

"Mark, I…"

"No, Meredith I don't blame you. We're one and the same. I mean, you can't help whom you fall in love with. I surprised that Derek had the balls to have sex with you with her right down the hall."

Meredith laughs although she's unsure why. "Compared to you who had the balls to have sex with his wife in his bed."

Mark takes long sip of his scotch and looks at her.

"Why do we let them do this to us. I mean for I flew across the country to be ignored. I could love her. I mean really love her."

Neither of them notices as Joe sets a fresh round of drinks in front of them until Joe pushes the drinks closer to them.

"I have no idea," Meredith says as she takes her shot. "Right about now I'm just waiting around. I can't move on, but I can't be with him. So I guess I'm just stuck."

"We're both stuck."

"I'm tired of being stuck," Meredith says flatly.

"Joe can we have 2 shots of tequila, please."

"Welcome to my world," Meredith says as the world begins to get a little bit blurry.

_None of this really matters anyway._

_gagagagagagagagagaga_

His hands fumble as they try to undo the tiny buttons on her shirt. She kisses him hard on the mouth. He tastes like tequila. She helps him take off her shirt. He runs his hands along her tiny frame. His touch is softy but rough. She pulls his shirt over his bed.

_God, he has a perfect body._

He kisses her on her jaw line. She turns away from him and lies on the bed. She lays on the bed clad in nothing but her underwear. He unhooks his belt and pulls of his pants. He climbs on top of Meredith. She removes her underwear and he slides off his boxers. In one swiftly motion they are one.

_Wow. This is surreal. _

"Derek," Meredith screams as she comes underneath his heavy body. She opens her eyes and sees Mark holding himself over her still moving.

"I'm sorry…" she begins.

"Don't be. We're here together now, but we both know we want to be some place else."

_He fills me like Derek. His touch is like Derek's. If this is all I can have this has to be enough._

Meredith shifts her weight to the side and climbs on top of Mark. She kisses him deeply.

"Ok, lets be here now." She writhes her body in the same way that used to drive Derek insane. Mark moans loudly as she feels him spasm under her.

_They aren't so different after all._

Meredith climbs off him and lies on the other side of the bed. Mark sighs and grabs her into his chest.

_This feels night. I just want to be held, and he's doing that for me now. Maybe… No. I'm still drunk. I'll deal with this in the morning. _

The two doctors fall asleep in each other arms. Neither of them stir when Meredith's phone rings at 4 am. The caller ID flashes brightly the name—Derek.


	2. This is bad, very, very bad

_**Author's note: Thanks for the amazing feedback. I'm really excited about this fic and am slowly putting elements of the fic together as I write. I hope you enjoy and please keep the reviews coming. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith slowly buttons up her wrinkled white shirt and pulls her jeans up to her narrow waist. She stares at the man in her bed.

_What have I done? This is bad, very, very bad. _

Meredith's phone rings by her foot and she bends down to pick it up. She opens the small phone and looks at her recent missed calls. Call one—Derek. Call two—Derek.

_What the hell was he calling for?_

Meredith grabs her bag and heads toward the door. Thankfully she was the only person at the house last night. George stayed with Callie, and Izzie had gone home last weekend. Honestly she is worried about Izzie, but she is too consumed with herself to really help her.

Slowly Meredith pulls her jeep out of the driveway. Hopefully Mark would get the message when he wakes up alone. Meredith tries to focus on the road but is unable to shake her curiosity of why Derek called her in the middle of the night. Meredith gives into her curiosity and calls her voicemail.

_Why do I even bother?_

_gagagagagagagagaga_

Meredith sips her coffee. She is on hour twelve of her shift and she has managed to avoid both Dr. Sheperds as well as Mark. She silently counts down the hours until she can go home and drink away her sorrows, yet again. Izzie wouldn't be home for a few days. George hasn't spoken to her since Callie told him she walked in her and Derek after they had sex. Christina was at Burke's. Burke had just been sent home a few days ago. Meredith felt utterly and completely alone.

She leans on the nurses station—waiting. Waiting for anything, something to happen. She feels a hand touch her side which jolts her out of her thoughts and causes her to jump and spill her coffee all over the nurses station. She turns her head around and sees Mark Sloan standing next to her grinning.

"Good morning, Dr. Sloan," Meredith says and she attempts to clean up her coffee.

Mark grabs some napkins and helps Meredith clean up the spill. "Dr. Sloan?" He stops and leans in closer to her and whispers, "It was Derek last night."

Meredith is unable to stop herself from blushing.

_I must remain composed. Last night was a mistake. Meredith, pull yourself together. He's just another drunken mistake._

"Dr. Sloan I assume that you have a flight back to New York that leaves soon," Meredith snaps as she tosses the coffee soaked napkins into the trash and turns to completely face Mark.

Mark does not respond at first, but rather looks at Meredith.

_There's that look again. I swear to God that must have been something they both had learned in medical school._

"Well, Dr. Grey, I came to Seattle Grace not only to see Addison, but I actually had a meeting with your Chief."

Meredith looks back at him for a few moments waiting for him to expand upon his story.

"And it appears that your chief is interested in expanding his plastics department and he called me in for the job. Don't get too worried it's a temp position. I'll be here for three months and then I'll be gone."

_Perfect, just perfect. Three months is just long enough to mess everything up. _

Meredith lies, "That's great."

"C'mon Grey you could pretend to be a little more enthusiastic. I'm only going to be here for a while and I intend to have as much fun as possible while I'm here, and I would like for that fun to include you."

_Meredith, say something. You have to say something. You're getting yourself into very bad situation. _

Meredith lowers her voice, "Mark, last night was a mistake."

"Was it?"

"Yes a big, bad mistake. We both know what we really want."

"Yeah, but we both know we can't have it. You know that last night was fun, and I'm not going to lie, Grey, you know what your doing."

Meredith blushes again.

"Dr. Sloan…" Meredith begins to speak when she sees Derek coming up behind Mark.

_Oh Fuck, here comes Derek. He going to punch him again. I was doing so well avoiding him. Ok Meredith, breathe, say something._

"Dr. Shepherd, good afternoon."

Derek walks over to them and does not even acknowledge Mark's presence.

"Meredith, I called you two times last night and left you several messages can I please talk to you for a moment."

"Dr. Shepherd, I don't think…"

Derek grabs Meredith's shoulder and turns her to him, "Please."

_Say no, Meredith, say no. You need space._

Meredith meekly responds, "Ok."

Her eyes turn back to Mark who is still standing there. Her eyes linger for a second. Mark mouths the words "I'll call you," to her, and Meredith fixates her eyes to the hall in front of her.

Derek leads her into the on-call room. The room is empty the two beds are neatly made. Derek and Meredith just stand there for a moment neither of them ready to say anything. Derek leans against the wall and stares at Meredith. His eyes penetrate her and she feels unclothed.

_Meredith just say something, so he'll say something, and they you can scream at him and run. Maybe if you scream enough or say harsh enough words you'll be able to hide the fact that you still are madly in love with him_

Derek was the first to break the painful silence.

"I called you last night."

"I got your messages."

"Then why have you been avoiding me all day?"

Calmly Meredith replies "What do you want me to say. You call me in the middle of the night and tell me that you love me, but what does it mean? Did you call me from the front porch after you made love to your wife? Derek, honestly, why do you keep hurting me?"

Derek looks taken aback and moves towards her.

"Derek, just stop please."

"Stop what?" he states as reaches for the lock and turns it.

"Derek, I…"

Derek learns closer towards her and elopes her mouth with his. In between kisses he whispers, "Meredith I'm still in love with you."


	3. Just let go

_**Author's note: Hey guys thanks for the great feedback. I'm really enjoying myself writing this story. Italicized text is will usually be Meredith's thoughts but othetimes they might be the thoughts of one of the other characters. Don't worry it should make sense in context. Enjoy and keep reviewing. Reviews seriously make me so very happy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

His hands work their way up her shirt. She mumbles something into his mouth. Derek kisses her neck.

"Derek…" Meredith begins.

_Oh God, this feel amazing. It's wrong Meredith you have to go. Just make him stop! _

"Meredith Grey, I'm in love with you."

_Is he being sincere? Why doesn't he leave Addison?_

Meredith melts in his arms as she pulls off his lab coat. Softly Derek pulls on the tie of Meredith's scrub bottoms.

"Derek please…" Meredith begins to cry.

"Meredith I love you, and I never want to hurt you. You just have to give me time. Mer please." In one swift motion he picks Meredith up and lays her on the bed. He kisses her deeply as his hands work their way down her small frame.

_Just let go._

Meredith closes her eyes as she gives into his touch. Derek moves to shift his weight over her as Meredith's pager begins to go off.

"Fuck," Meredith whispers and she looks at the small screen on her pager. "My patient needs me."

Neither of them says anything. Meredith reaches for Derek's face and kisses him deeply. She stands up and pauses for a moment. She ties her drawstring on her pants and calmly walks out the room.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Mark walks down the cool halls of Seattle Grace. The entire day he sat in his office and dealt with a mountain of paper work that needed to be filed to receive funding for the expansion of the plastics department. He hadn't seen Addison all day, and also hadn't seen Meredith since this afternoon.

It is now 4:30 am, and Mark is bored. He looks into one of the post-op rooms and he sees Addison standing over a bed clutching a chart to her chest. Mark stands by the door and waits for Addison to exit the room.

Addison walks right by him and leans over the nurses' station. He hair is swept up off her face in a low ponytail. Her dark blue scrubs drape over her body. She looks pale and tired.

_God, she's beautiful._

Mark walks over to the nurses' station. He stands beside her, "hey."

Addison picks her head up from her paper work and looks at Mark. "Good evening Dr. Sloan." Looks at watch, "You're here rather late."

"I had some paper work, what about yourself. Shouldn't you be at home?" Mark's words sound a little more pained that he meant them too."

"Mark don't do this. Not now, please. It's bad enough that my husband is cheating on me, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't leave him, and now you're around. I just can't deal with this right now. It's almost 5 in morning, and I just want to get some rest. We'll talk later, just not now."

Mark stands there stunned for a few moments trying to formulate exactly what he wants to say.

_What can I say to that? She needs time. It's not like I have a choice. Ok, Mark get your shit together._

He responds softly, "Ok, have a goodnight Dr. Shepherd." Mark turns around and walks to an on-call room.

_There's not point of driving to an empty hotel room. I can crash here for a few hours. _

gagagagagagagagagaga

_Ok, ten hours left. That's not that bad. My patient is in post-op and wont need anything for a few hours. Meredith, just close your eyes and go to sleep._

Sleep wouldn't come. Meredith just lies there—tossing and turning. She is unable to slow down the thoughts racing in her mind.

_What the hell happened with Derek earlier? He said he loves me, but he won't leave Addison. I mean, I can't believe him, right? He's just indecisive and full of shit… but I'm still in love with him._

Meredith jumps as she hears someone open the on-call room. She lies there, unmoving; hoping that whoever just came into the room would think she is sleeping and go away.

"When most people sleep their entire body isn't tense," Mark says into the dark room as he takes off his coat and hangs it behind the door.

"Was it that obvious?" Meredith asks as she turns to lie on her back and look at Mark.

"Yeah." Mark stands there for a moment. He's unsure if he should be safe and get on the top bunk or if he should lay in the bed with Meredith. "Move over."

Meredith obliges and scoots her body over close to the wall. Mark lays his large, muscluar frame next to her.

"How was your day?" Mark asks.

"Shitty, how was yours?"

"Oh, quite shitty, thank you very much. What did Derek have to say earlier?"

"That he loves me."

"Seriously?" Mark turns to look at her.

"Seriously. How about you and Addison?"

"She yelled at me a bit earlier. Something about how she just can't leave Derek."

Silence fills the room for a few moments.

"Mark," Meredith touches his face, "what are we doing."

Mark wraps his arms around Meredith and pulls her body close to his.

"I have no idea, but isn't this better than being alone?"

_Yes. Isn't that sad? I can't be with the man I want so I settle for his best friend. I have to be better than that, right?_

"It's way better." Meredith moves her face close to his and kisses him.

At first the kiss is soft and innocent, but neither Mark nor Meredith are very patient. The kiss becomes passionate and charged. Meredith rolls on top of Mark and begins to take the lead.

_Just let go._

Both doctors freeze as the door to the on-call room slowly opens. Meredith rolls off Mark and back onto the bed.

"Meredith?" George calls out.

Sheepishly Meredith sits up and meets George's gaze. George looks at her with absolute distain. "Meredith, Bailey is looking for you and she told me to come wake you." George doesn't speak again but rather closes the door behind himself.

Meredith climbs from the bed and attempts to fix her hair and smooth her scrubs. She bends down to tie her sneaker when Mark pulls her back close to him. He kisses her hard on the mouth. Meredith breaks away and tries to regain her breath.

"I'll see you later, Meredith."

"Goodbye, Mark." Meredith says as she pulls the door behind herself.

_What am I getting myself into?_


	4. Real

_**Author's note: No long rambles today. Enjoy and REVIEW!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith walks out of the examination room and closes the door behind herself. She only has about two more hours of her shift. Since last night she had successfully avoided Mark, Derek, George, and Addison. For the better part of the day, Meredith hid in the examination room with her patient. They had bonded over checkers and more than a few games of war. It was a simple distraction for Meredith, and most importantly it kept her out of trouble.

Meredith drops the chart on the nurses' station. Her patient had just been discharged. Meredith looks down at her watch.

_Maybe I can get out of this place early._

Meredith checks on the rest of her patients who were all in various parts of post-op. There is nothing else for her to do tonight. She quickly walked to the locker room hoping that she will be able to avoid Bailey.

_Great, one more person I have to avoid._

Meredith goes into the locker room and sits on the hard wooden bench. One by one she pulls off her sneakers. She pauses for a moment and allows herself to give into the pure exhaustion that she feels.

The door to the locker room opens and George walks in. George pauses for a moment at the door as if he is deciding if he still wants to enter the room. His eyes glance around the room and enters. He gives Meredith a cold look and walks over to his locker to change.

_I have to say something to him, but I mean what can I say? Sorry, I fell on top of Mark._

Meredith buttons up her white shirt.

"George…"

"You know what Meredith, I don't want to hear about it ok?"

"George you've been ignoring me for weeks."

George pauses as she puts his sneakers into his locker. He turns to look at her, "You know I mean it should make sense. I mean he's a hotshot surgeon. Complicated and completely unavailable. He seems exactly your type, and as an added bonus Addison Shepherd likes him as well. Meredith you don't surprise me."

Meredith winces at George's harsh tone.

"George why are you so mad. So what if I like to put myself in difficult situations, and make a slew of bad choices. Why are you taking this so personal?"

"Meredith your bad choices affect everyone. Meredith you're embarrassing yourself. No one cares that you have the potential to be an amazing surgeon. They only care about who you're sleeping with this week?"

"My private life is exactly that—private."

"Seriously Meredith? You make it public. You and Mark earlier in the on-call room. For Christ sake, Meredith the door wasn't even locked. Then earlier today everyone knows that you and Derek were alone in an exam room."

"Fine George, I get it. Everyone thinks I'm a big whore, and maybe I am. But it gets me through the day. I'm sorry I'm not ready to act like a mature adult and put myself together. I have to take care of me, and I chose distraction. I try to avoid these situations but they always seem that happen."

George moves closer to Meredith facing her. "Do you honestly believe that these things 'just happen'? Meredith you put yourself into these situations. I don't know why. None of this is going to stop happening until you take some responsibility. Until then you deserve to be known as a whore." George picks up his bag and walks out of the locker room. Meredith puts on her shoes and closes her locker. She grabs her bag and heads out of the room.

She is only a few steps out the door when she bumps into Derek.

"Shit."

"Good evening Dr. Grey."

_I have to go._

Meredith turns to go back into the locker room and he follows her.

She turns to him visibly flustered. "What do you want from me?"

"Just for you to hear me out." He moves towards her pushes her against a locker and kisses her.

_No Meredith you can't do this. Listen to George; get out of this situation, now. _

Meredith gives into the kiss for a moment until she is able to muster the strength to push him off her.

"Derek stop! I've heard you loud and clear and you love me. I love you Derek, you know that. But at the end of the day you still go home with your wife. Derek I can't live in limbo. I need something real, and you aren't willing to give it to me. You have to let me go. If you love me, Derek, you'll let me go."

Derek does not say anything for a while. He brings his hand up to Meredith's face. "I will find a way to make this all okay?"

"I think we're well past the point of okay."

Derek gives her a small, sad smile. He kisses her softly on the lips.

"I love you."

"I know." Meredith allows her eyes to linger with his for a second. "I have to go." She walks past Derek and back to the main corridor. Everyone's eyes are on her. She adverts her gaze and walks to the stairwell.

_There's no chance in hell that I'd take the elevator. _

gagagagagagagagagaga

Mark leans against the cool metal of the elevator. He's finally on his way home. The door stops on the 4th floor and Addison steps into the elevator. They don't speak as the elevator descends.

"Addison?"

"Not now Mark."

"Damnit, Addison then when?" Mark pulls the emergency stop button.

"Mark…"

"No, Addison listen to me. I love you more than Derek ever could. You know he's in love with Meredith, and has actually cheated on you with her. What are you doing? What do you think is going to happen next? Addison your better than this."

Addison begins to cry as she looks up at Mark.

_Mark hold your ground. Don't comfort her. _

"Mark I can't. We're trying we can fix our marriage."

Mark slams his hand on the elevator wall. Addison jumps.

"Are you serious. How are you guys trying when he off having sex with other woman with you down the hall and he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's not in love with you."

Addison's eyes flare up. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Actually I do. I know you and Derek very well. Neither of you are going to give up; you're both going to be miserable because of it. I'm here for three months and I have no choice but to stand here and witness the downfall. Addison I want to catch you, but you wont let me. You're adamant about hitting the ground—alone."

Mark moves closer to her. He kisses her softly on the lips. Addison's entire body trembles. Mark caresses her cheek with his thumb. Slowly he moves back to his side of the elevator and presses the emergency stop button back in. He hits the button for the second floor and wait for the elevator to stop. He pauses for a moment gives Addison a sad look and walks out of the elevator.

Mark walks to the stairs and throws open the door. The door hits the wall and everyone turns to look at him. He glares at them and begins to walk up the stairs to let off some steam.

_Is she serious? Does she enjoy being in pain, I mean, it doesn't make sense…_

Mark continues to climb the stairs. He looks out the big bay window in the stairwell and he sees the Seattle Nightline. He smiles to himself a sad smile and pauses for a moment. He hears whimpering sounds and walks higher to see who was making the sounds. He climbs the final set of stairs and sees Meredith sitting by the door that leads to the roof. Her face is stained with tears and she is crying.

Mark hates it when women cry. He drops his bag and sits beside Meredith.

"Derek?" he asks as he wipes her face with the sleeve of his coat. She looks at him and nods. "Yeah Addison and I just had a fight too. Want to talk about it?"

Meredith shakes her head no, leans in, and kisses Mark.

_I need something that feels real. I can't wait around for Derek forever. This has to be enough, at least for now. _

Neither of them wastes time being tender and loving. Meredith's hands run up Mark's chest. Mark grabs Meredith to her feet. Meredith rips off Mark's jacket. Mark's hands clumsily unbutton Meredith's shirt. He begins to get frustrated and tears the shirt open.

Mark steps back for a moment and takes in Meredith.

_God, she's beautiful. No wonder Derek fell in love with her._

Mark moves close to Meredith again. Meredith pulls him closer as she grabs his shirt. She kisses him hard on the mouth. She pulls his belt off his pants and unzips his jeans. He kisses her hungrily.

Mark picks Meredith up and places her on the banister of the stairs. Meredith slip-on shoe falls down the stairs and makes a loud crashing sound as it hits each tile step on its way down. In one smooth motion Mark pulls off Meredith pants and underwear. Meredith wraps her legs around Mark's torso and explores Mark's mouth with her own.

"You know people are talking about us, right?" Meredith whispers in between kisses.

"Let's give them something to talk about," Mark growls as he grabs Meredith onto himself and kisses her ferociously.


	5. Passing time

_**Author's Note: Thanks, Aubri and Les. Enjoy and Review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith digs through her large leather bag. She flicks open her cell phone and checks the time.

_4:45, and I have to be at the hospital at 5:30. Shit, where the hell is my toothbrush?_

Meredith continues to dig through her bag. She hears Mark sit up in the bed. She looks at him and smiles.

"Good morning Dr. Sloan."

"Good morning Dr. Grey."

Mark has been in Seattle for three weeks now. Meredith dropped by last night as she had the previous nights. Meredith and Mark have yet to discuss what they were doing. They both understood the terms of their silent agreement.

Addison and Derek were still "trying." In the beginning Meredith only came to Mark after getting into a fight with Derek, and Mark the same with Addison. It was almost as if they used one another to help wash down the painful reality of the situation with their respective lovers.

Then their trysts became almost habitual. Meredith would toss and turn in her bed at night unable to sleep. She would drive over to Mark's hotel and let herself into his room with the hotel keycard he gave her. She would climb into bed with him and she would fall asleep. With him she felt wanted, comfortable and most importantly not alone.

Meredith finally finds her toothbrush holder and runs to the bathroom to wash-up and get ready for work. She quickly gets cleaned up and turns to catch Mark looking at her. He's still sitting in bed. He's head is resting against the bed's wooden headboard and he just sits there contently watching her move about the small bathroom.

Meredith averts her eyes and put the top of her toothbrush holder back on. She throws it in her bag and flings it over her shoulder. This is how it was every morning she stayed over. She always came to Mark's, never the other way around. They never made small talk in the morning or acted in a way that would resemble an actual relationship.

"See you at the hospital." Meredith says as she reaches for the door. Mark doesn't respond but rather looks at her intently. Meredith's eyes linger on him for a moment. She gives him a sad smile and then closes the door behind herself.

gagagagagagagagagaga

"So is it true?" Christina asks Meredith as she sets her tray down on the table across from her.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and McSteamy."

_Shit. No it's not true. I'm only using him for sex._

"Christina, that rumor is weeks old."

"Exactly, it refuses to die. I mean when it started they were saying something about stair sex, which is just ridiculous, but this rumor of an illicit affair won't die, which means…"

"That people don't have anything better to do with their lives," Meredith snaps as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

Christina doesn't touch her food. She sits there and narrows her gaze on Meredith.

_Oh Go,d she's looking at me. I can't handle it when people look at me._

Meredith lowers her voice, "What do you want me to say?"

Christina lowers her voice to match Meredith's, "That you're sleeping with McSteamy."

Meredith pauses for a moment, "Okay."

"So the rumors are true!" Christina leans back in her chair with satisfaction as she takes a bite of her cookie.

"Aren't they normally?"

"Meredith you've outdone yourself this time. I mean normally you make so pretty bad choices but this one tops them all."

Meredith slumps down into her chair. Her body language shows that she knows Christina is right.

"So how is it?"

"What?" Meredith asks, slightly appalled.

"Is he good? I mean obviously, but I mean…"

Meredith looks at her questioningly.

"Oh come on," Christina cries, "Give me something. Burke's libido has been at like zero since his surgery. I need something," grabs Meredith's hand. "I need this."

Meredith looks at her friend and laughs at her desperation. "Stair sex… so hot."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"How long has this been going on for?"

"A little less than a month."

"You've been banging him since he got here."

Meredith blushes, "I guess I have."

"Are you two…"

Meredith stops her before she can finish. "No, no nothing like that. He's just…" stops, searches her mind for the right words, " a nice change. The sex is amazing and we both understand that we are emotionally unavailable."

"Okay you keep telling yourself that." Christina throws a fry at Meredith.

"He's still McDreamy and he's still Mc-freaking-Married, so until that stops Marks the best I can do in the moment."

"Seriously Mer, you don't feel anything?"

"No, nothing."

_Okay maybe a little, but not beyond that I feel for a good friend._

"Well I guess you have the ideal situation. I mean, what else could you ask for?"

Meredith doesn't answer but just gives Christina a half smile. She takes another bite of her sandwich.

_Love, maybe? _

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith descends down the last flight of stairs. She has consciously avoided the elevator as well as Derek. From time to time she allowed her eyes to linger a little too long. She let her hand touch his a little too long as she assisted him a surgery. Apparently the last time she yelled at Derek he listened to her. She misses him more than she ever has before. They never had just stopped talking for longer than a few days even if they were just talking about not talking.

Meredith skips over the last two steps, pulls open the heavy wooden door, and is face to face with Derek.

_So he's been avoiding the elevator too._

"Derek," she says a little too softly. She hasn't been this close to him since that night in the locker room. She steps backwards.

"Hey," he says as he averts his eyes to the floor.

"How have you been?"

"Good," he responds a little too quickly.

"Good."

The two of them stand there for a moment unsure of what to say next.

"Well I have to…" Meredith begins.

"Yeah me too…"

"I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah."

Meredith looks at him a moment as she closes the stairwell door behind her. She doesn't hear Derek on the other side as he whispers, "I miss you."

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith sits on the examination table of an exam room. Mark stands over her. Her interaction with Derek today has unnerved her.

"Bad day?" Mark asks and he uses he hand to lift up her face.

"Kind of. I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I can't deal with this forever. They are going to stay together and we are just…" Meredith stops.

"Just what?"

"Passing time." Meredith states blankly.

_Why is it beginning to feel like we are doing something else?_

"If we are just passing time what do you suggest we do instead."

Meredith shakes her head, "I don't know. Maybe I should transfer hospitals or something. This is obviously going nowhere."

"Yeah, you're right," Mark casts his eyes down to the floor as he begins to roam around the small examination room.

"Am I?" Meredith stands up and touches Mark's shoulder. He turns around to fully face her. His hands slides up her face and he kisses her tenderly on the lips. Meredith kisses him back.

_Something about this feels different. He's touching me differently, softer, more carefuly._

Meredith pulls his lab coat off him and reaches for his belt. Mark moves her hands away from his belt as he continues to kiss her. His kisses her neck all the way down to her collarbone. He runs his hands up her scrub top.

"Are we really just passing time," Mark whispers into her ear as he pulls at the string of her scrub pants.

Meredith doesn't respond but silences him with a kiss. Neither hears a small knock on the examination room door. Meredith unhooks Mark's belt and places her hand underneath the thin material that separates them.

The door slowly opens. Meredith quickly retracts her hand and fumbles at the string of her scrubs. Mark's jacket is on the other side of the room. Both Mark and Meredith are flushed. It would be obvious to whoever walks into the room what was going on.


	6. Empty Board

_**Author's Note: Thanks for all the great feedback! Enjoy and Review.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Derek walks further into the room. His eyes cast over the exam room and what he has interrupted. Immediately Meredith darts to the corner of the room as she attempts to catch her breath. Mark doesn't move he stands there facing Derek. Derek can feel his blood pressure rising as he clenches his fists by his side.

No one says anything. The door closes behind Derek. Meredith listens to the door click close. As if on cue Derek lunges toward Mark. Mark dodges him and pushes him into the sink.

"You fucking bastard," Derek spats as he jumps on Mark knocking him to the floor. His head bangs loudly as it crashes into the cold, hard tile.

Mark frees his right hand from Derek's face and bunches him squarely in his nose. Derek jumps to his feet and cups his now bleeding nose. At this point the door is pushed open and the two fighting men are attracting quite an audience. Addison Shepard walks through the crowd and walks into the exam room.

"Stop it," she screams. Mark and Derek continue to fight. "Stop it," she screams louder and she stomps the heel of her Prada pump on the ground. The two men stop and look up at her. Addison surveys the room and notices Meredith in the corner of the room, and Mark's belt and jacket on the floor.

Mark coolly collects him self as he moves to pick up his lab coat and belt. The crowd outside begins to disperse. Addison glares at all the occupants in the room. Derek glares at Meredith all together ignoring Addison. "How could I be stupid enough to fall in love with you." Sadly Derek turns away from her and walks out of the exam room with his hand covering his nose.

Meredith's entire heart crumbles as Derek leaves the room.

_What have I done? There's no way he'll ever be able to look at me the same. Oh my God, what have I done?_

"I cannot believe you," Addison snaps at Mark who is leaning against the exam room table. Addison turns and exits the room trying her hardest to remain composed and not cry until she was in the privacy of her own office.

Mark and Meredith stand there, neither of them is able to look at one another. Mark slides his belt through the loops on his pants. He fixes the collar on his jacket and heads toward the door. He stops, turns, and looks at Meredith. He gives her a sad nod and walks out of the room.

Meredith stands still in the corner of the now empty exam room. She slides her back down the wall and sits on the tile floor. She pulls her knees into her chest and drops her head. She begins to cry, not caring who is watching or what they are thinking.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Mark attempts to go about the rest of his day as if nothing happened. He tries, but ultimately isn't very successful. For the large part of his day he had sits in his darkened office only to come up when he is paged.

_What have I done?_

It's a quarter to twelve and Mark figures he will be able to sneak out of the hospital without running into anyone. He walks into the air-conditioned hall and down the hall to catch one more glance at the board. As he approaches the board, he sees Addison standing in front of it staring intently.

"You know I used to hate a full board. Back in New York a full board meant that I wouldn't get to see you or Derek. A full board ensured that my dinner reservations would go unused that night. And now as I stand here in front of this near empty board I'm absolutely petrified. It means that my husband is at home, and that I have to go home to him. You know what I don't get, why there aren't more prenatal emergencies in the middle of the night. I mean that would make things much easier. But I guess things don't always work out the way you want them to. Now I have to go home."

Addison pauses and chuckles to herself. "To the trailer... I have to craw into the bed we share and pretend that everything is okay. For the last few weeks I've been very good at pretending. I pretended that I didn't hear any of the rumors about you and Meredith, but now I have confirmation, and I don't think I'm going to be able to pretend anymore. I have to go home and pretend my heart hasn't been broken into a thousand pieces, and Derek in turn has to pretend the same." Addison's voice is cold and distant and she still is staring at the board. "Do you love her?"

_That's a good question. I could respond with my initial reaction of no or I can't attempt to be more honest with her and myself. _

"Addison, I don't know."

Addison takes a big breath in as she allows herself to look away from the surgical board. She takes a few steps backward. "I mean it serves us right. Derek and I hurt and reject the two of you so you find the other person who knows exactly what you're feeling and you give it a try with them. She won't hurt you. She won't leave you, and you won't leave her. It's perfect actually, and lets not fair to mention that it will utterly destroy your former lovers." Addison clasps her hands together and feigns excitement, "Now that's the best part."

"We, I never wanted to hurt you. Meredith was just here for me when you couldn't be."

"Well now Meredith always seems to be there for the men I love when I can't be... I could be there for you." Addison casts her eyes down to the white tile.

Mark's heart drops in his chest. "You could leave your husband."

"And fall into the same vicious cycle again. Leave something comfortable to run back to a man who has fallen in love with another woman. We could try to salvage our relationship but at the end of the day you will still be in love with someone else. Jesus Christ, I cannot believe that this is really happening—again."

Mark moves closer to her.

"No, you stay where you are. What is it about Meredith Grey? Is she a better lover than I am? Am I too prudish and refined and she's the dirty girl that fulfills all your secret needs and desires, or is it more than that? Is she a better listener? A better girlfriend? A better person?"

Addison drops her hands to her side and moves closer toward Mark. Her face is only a few inches from his. "I guess it doesn't matter," she whispers. "She has you." Addison kisses him softly on the lips and moves away from him. "I have to just accept it. I can't keep pretending anymore, I'm too tired."

Mark stands there dumfounded he can't find the right words to say.

"Good night, Addison."

"Good night, Mark."

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith cannot sleep. She looks at her clock. It's almost three in the morning. Thankfully she didn't have to go in until twelve tomorrow. She kicked the heavy blanket off her and onto the floor. The house was silent. George and Izzie were in their respective rooms.

_I don't know who they are anymore. We just all happen to live in the same house…_

Meredith hears a loud banging on her front door. She climbs out of her bed and runs to the door. She sees Mark standing there.

_Should I even open the door? I mean I guess I have to, he can see me though the glass._

"What are you doing here?" Meredith hisses at him as she opens the door and steps outside onto the porch.

"I couldn't sleep." He states blankly.

"Me either."

"Meredith what are we doing?"

"Passing time and fucking ourselves over."

Mark moves closer and touches Meredith's face. "I don't think we are just passing time anymore."

_Meredith say 'goodnight.' It's too late to try to figure this out_.

"Mark you still love Addison."

"And you still love Derek."

"Exactly."

"No Meredith. Do you think either of them will ever be able to look at us the same?"

Meredith shakes her head no.

"I mean this started before we got caught. Thing have felt different for a while haven't they?"

Meredith meets his gaze and nods. Mark reaches out and cups her face again.

"So we have two options. Be alone or try to figure this out. Whatever you want to do I will respect. You just have to tell me which."

Meredith looks up at him with her eyes full of pain.


	7. Circumstance

_**Author's Note: Will it be Mer/Der or Mer/Mark—I can't tell you. This was supposed to be a longer chapter but I didn't want to keep ya'll waiting too long for an update. The end is near—only three more chapters after this one. Enjoy and review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith moves closer to him, dropping her hands to her side. She moves closer until she is only a few inches from his face. She gives him a sad smile and kisses him softly on the lips. Mark pulls her into his chest and she rests her head on his chest.

"I'm so tired. I can't feel like this anymore. I just can't. I don't know anything for sure but there has to be something better than this," Meredith allows him to hold her as she cries in his arms. Mark is silent. He holds her in his arms and allows her to cry.

Meredith picks her head off his chest and stares at his blue eyes. She takes a deep breath as she tries to compose herself, "I'd like to figure some of this out with you."

"shh.." Mark runs his hands through her hair as she cries even harder on his chest. He holds her until she stops crying. He picks her head up and kisses her softly on the lips. "I'd like to try to figure it out with you too."

_This has to be enough. He has to be enough. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. _

Meredith slowly releases herself from Marks embrace and takes his hand. Slowly she leads him into the house. She closes the door behind them and she kisses him. He reciprocates the kiss and pulls her into his chest yet again. Meredith looks up at him. She looks so frightened, but at the same time filled with hope.

_I better not mess this up. She's so broken._

Mark tightens his embraces. He kisses Meredith gently on her forehead. "It's going to be okay, I promise."

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith closes the door to her locker. She smoothes out wrinkles in her lab coat, and pulls open the locker room door. She is met with dozens of stares as she lets the door close behind her.

She walks over to the nurses' station and picks up her chart. The nurses stop talking as she approaches the counter. Awkwardly they avert their eyes to their paperwork and pretend to be fixated on something besides Meredith Grey.

Meredith walks away from the counter and presses the up button on the elevator.

_Hell there's no use in taking the stairs when I see Derek there too._

She taps her puma sneaker on the tile as she waits for the elevator. She keeps her eyes on the reflective door where she literally she's someone pointing at her.

"Well I heard this has been going on for months. That's why Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd moved to Seattle."

"Well I heard Meredith did it as payback."

"That's not what one of Bailey's interns told me. They told me that she's paying him to sleep with him as some cheap ploy to get Dr. Shepherd to take her back. That whole scene was set up. I mean, could she be more pathetic?"

Meredith taps her sneaker on the ground with more force.

_Do they honestly think I cannot hear them? Where the hell is this elevator…_

The steel doors open and Addison is leaning against the back wall clutching her paperwork to her chest.

_Fuck_.

Meredith quickly darts Addison's gaze and steps into the elevator.

The elevator begins to move upwards. Addison takes a few steps forward and through the steel doors Meredith can see Addison reaching for the emergency stop button. Addison's normal collected composure is gone. Her hand shakes as she pulls the red knob.

Addison doesn't say anything she moves back to her side of the elevator. Meredith takes a few steps forward and turns and leans on the closed elevator doors. Meredith holds the chart steadily to her side.

_I can't be the first one to speak. I honestly have nothing to say._

Addison is becoming visibly more flustered.

"What do you do?" Addison says with a calm voice that foils the rest of her disposition.

"Excuse me?"

"What do you do to make the men I love fall in love with you."

_Did Mark tell Addison he loves me?_

"Addison, we can't do this. Not now. Not here."

"No," Addison says her voice beginning to lose its calmness. "I need to know. At first I thought Derek fell for you because of the whole forbidden love thing, you know? And then I thought that maybe he just fell out of love with me, and genuinely loves you. But then Mark comes and you do it again. What do you say to them them? What do you do to make them fall out of love with me and in love with you? I just need to know Meredith because I can't handle this anymore. You owe me at least this much."

Meredith does not respond for a moment. The silence causing the soft humming of the elevator lights to become more than audible. "Addison, I don't know. I didn't want for any of this to happen, but it did and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish more than anything I could not feel anything but love for Derek. I wish I didn't feel whatever I feel for Mark, but I do and I refuse to apologize for how I feel."

Addison takes in her words slowly. She fidgets with the papers she clutches to her chest. She collects her thoughts. "Meredith you think you're so high and mighty because you follow your heart and act on your feelings, while the rest of the world is forced to do what's right. You're just like everyone else. Your decisions are all a matter of the circumstance in which you make them. If you truly followed your heart you wouldn't have walked away from Derek that night at prom, but you too are human and made the safe, right choice by walking away. You don't feel anything for Mark, and you know it. But I mean, the sex is good, he knows what it's liked to be screwed over by one of the Shepherds, why not give him a chance?"

_What if she's right…_

"So the way I see it is they both fall in love with you out of circumstance. You were there. They are sad and broken hearted. You help them get all pieced together and they love you for that."

Meredith turns her back to Addison and pushes in the emergency stop button back in. She can feel the tears beginning to burn her eyes.

_Shit, c'mon just get to the third floor._

The elevator doors open and Meredith runs out into the closest empty room. She collapses on the floor. She clutches her knees to her chest and replays Addison's stinging word in her head. She begins to cry.

_What if she's right…_


	8. Wasted nights

_**Author's note: After this, two more chapters to go… Enjoy and Review.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith slams her shot glass on the wooden bar.

"She seriously said that?" Cristina asked as she took a sip of her drink. She unzips her jacket and places it on the bar in front of her.

Meredith nods as she chases her shot with a beer. "She seriously said all of that. Cristina, I was like a little girl. I didn't say anything back to her. I just started the elevator, ran to the closest room, and cried until I was paged."

Cristina listens carefully, "Well you could have started with 'look bitch, go fuck yourself.'" She smiles at Meredith who laughs at her. "Seriously, she's just trying to hurt you, and honestly can you blame her I mean McSteamy and McDreamy, that's just too much hot man to lose to one woman."

Meredith takes a long sip of her beer. She smiles again at Cristina and laughs. "I guess you're right. You should hear the things that people are saying about me."

Cristina leans in closer, "I heard Derek got you pregnant, and you lied and told Mark that he was the father of the child." Meredith throws a peanut at Cristina while she laughs hysterically. "Seriously Mer, people are idiots, ignore them."

Meredith rolls her eyes and orders another shot, "It's really easy to ignore it when the entire hospital is talking about you. I mean, I'm boring. My life isn't that interesting."

"Are you kidding you are basically living the life of the female lead of a medial drama. You're life is so interesting."

Meredith laughs again, "It's a lot less interesting to live through." Joe sits the shot in front of Meredith.

"So what are you and Mark doing?" Cristina asks as she sucks on the lime from her drink.

Meredith finishes her beer and sighs. "We're trying to figure this all out."

"Figure what out?"

"This situation, us, them, just this whole mess."

"So what happened to the empty, amazing sex?"

"Maybe it wasn't so empty after all?"

"I knew it," Cristina says as she rests her now empty glass on the counter. "I'm always right."

"It's just that I can't handle being alone anymore waiting for the Shepherd marriage to self-destruct. It's just too much…"

"And this is better?" Cristina raises a questionable eyebrow at Meredith.

"Minus the whole Derek walking in on us about to have sex, yes this is better. We both know what it's like, I guess." Meredith takes her shot, which Joe immediately refills.

"Have you seen Derek since?"

Meredith shakes her head no. "He rescheduled all his surgeries today. I'm pretty sure he's never going to talk to me again. I messed that up, but I mean maybe it's for the better. Maybe it's finally over."

"You're not serious?" Cristina says as she brings her fresh drink to her lips. "You two will never be over."

"We have to be. He's married, and I'm…" Meredith pauses. "I'm with Mark."

Christina turns away from Meredith and faces the bar directly. Meredith notices her odd behavior.

"What happened?"

Cristina whispers in her drink, "Derek just came into the bar."

Meredith stays turned around. She quickly takes her shot, places a twenty on the bar. She grabs her bag and coat. "I'll call you when I get home okay." Cristina nods as the blonde attempts to make her way out of the bar without Derek seeing her.

Meredith walks into the cool Seattle night.

_I guess he didn't see me._

She fumbles in the bottom of her bag. It wasn't until this moment that she began to feel the effect of the alcohol she had just consumed.

_Shit, where are my keys…_

Meredith continues to look further into her bag.

"So tonight wasn't a good night?"

Meredith's head snaps up as her keys fall to the ground. Derek is leaning against the car parked next to hers. She hadn't even heard him walk over. Meredith bends down and reaches for her keys underneath her Jeep.

"Excuse me?" Meredith says genuinely confused.

"You're leaving alone. You never leave Joe's alone, so tonight must have been an off night for you," Derek says as she takes a sip of the beer he brought out with him from Joe's.

_He's calling me a whore, again._

"No, I'm going home to Mark." Meredith says these words knowing the damage they would cause Derek.

Derek's eyes flash with pain. "It's sad really, I mean, you two, two mistresses together trying to make it work." Derek takes a gulp of his beer as he leans in closer. He lowers his voice. "It won't work. Mistresses aren't supposed to have a happy ending."

"You would like that wouldn't you. You would like for Mark and Me to fail so you wouldn't be the only one in a miserable relationship. So you wouldn't be the only one living with a stranger. Derek, you made your bed now lie in it, and leave me alone." Meredith turns and tries to unlock her Jeep.

Derek finishes his beer and tosses the empty bottle across the parking lot. The glass shatters. Meredith jumps and turns to look at him.

Derek leans back on the car. "I used to lie in bed next to Addison at night and I wouldn't be able to sleep. I would toss and turn. I would lie there and think about you. I would think about the sent of your hair. I would think about you smiling. I would lie there and miss you with my entire being. I'm glad I can finally see who you really are, because now I can get a good night of sleep. I don't love you, how could I, I don't even know who you are. I've wasted too many nights on you already."

Meredith feels the tears running down her face. She stands there listening to him. His eyes linger on her for a few seconds until he turns to go back into the bar. Meredith finally opens her door to her jeep. She looks at him one last time before she climbs into the drivers seat. She slowly pulls out of the parking lot and drives down the block to the convince store. She parks her car in front of the store, rests her head on her steering wheel, and cries.

_He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore…_

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith inserts the plastic access card to Mark's hotel room door. The green light flashes as Meredith pushes the door open. Mark is sitting in the bed watching television. Meredith doesn't say anything. Her face is stained with tears. She begins to undress. She goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing Mark's college sweatshirt and some shorts. Still silent, Meredith climbs into bed with Mark and mindlessly watches the TV.

Mark can sense Meredith's mood. He pulls her closer to his side. He flicks through the channels as he smoothes Meredith's hair.

"I can't do it," Meredith whispers.

"What?" Mark asks as he mutes the television and rolls on his side to face Meredith.

Meredith shakes her head and covers her legs with Mark's sweatshirt. "I can't walk through the hospital pretending I don't hear the things they say about me. I can't live in a house with people I hardly know anymore. I can't see him everyway and pretend I'm okay, because I'm not." Meredith cries. She stops talking in an attempt to compose herself.

"But you will be okay."

"I can't be. Not here. This is all just too much for me to handle."

"Meredith, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I want to leave."

"Seattle Grace?" Mark asks as he adjusts the pillow underneath his head.

Meredith's voice waivers, "No." She pauses. "I want to leave Seattle, and I want you to come with me."

Mark does not ask any more questions but simply responds, "Okay."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," he responds.

"You'll just take up and leave with me."

"If that's what you want."

Meredith lies there for a while before saying anything else. "It's what I want. It's what I need to do. I have to get on with my life."

Mark puts his arms around Meredith. She rests her head on his chest. Mark kisses her gently on the lips.

_This is what I have to do…_


	9. Fresh start

_**Author's Note: Enjoy and Review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith takes a bite out of her cold pizza and then sets it down back in the grease-lined box. Mark moves on the other side of the kitchen making himself some toast.

"So I figure I get in, finish the few cases I have left, and then sneak out."

Today is Meredith last day at Seattle Grace. She had already told the chief about her decision to transfer. At first he was adamant about not letting her go, but ultimately he had no choice but to give in.

"Yeah, I'm trying to do the same thing," Mark says as grabs his toast out of the toaster and sets it on a plate across from Meredith. "Are you nervous?"

"I think that would be an understatement," Meredith says as she takes another bite of pizza. "You know it's not too late to you know back out… I mean you are supposed to be in Seattle another month and a half."

Mark shakes his head. "No, no don't worry about it. I need to get the hell out of this place. I miss New York."

Meredith gives him a sad smile. She decided to go back to New York with Mark. She had already been accepted to a residency program in New York, and had shipped the majority of her stuff to New York. She was in the process of creating this new life for herself, all that was left what the physical move to New York.

Mark and Meredith have kept their plans a secret. They couldn't deal with Addison and Derek's reactions along with the rest of the staff of Seattle Grace Hospital. Meredith told her friends because they needed to know. Izzie started to cry and immediately left the house. George seemed unmoved, and Cristina seemed, well shocked. None of them tried to talk her out of her decision, but it was more than obvious that they were less than thrilled. Cristina had refused to talk about anything that had to deal with her moving to New York.

Meredith looks down at her watch. "I better get going. I should be able to get back here before one and finish up my last minute packing."

"Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up and help you with your bags?" Mark moves toward the sink and places his plate in it.

Meredith shakes her head no. "I'll just take a cab to the airport." Meredith puts on her coat. "So I'll see you tonight." Meredith moves towards him and kisses him.

"Bye Meredith," Mark says as she closes the front door behind her. Meredith takes a deep breath of the cool morning air, gets in her Jeep, and drives to work for the last time.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Mark sloppily scribbles his signature at the bottom of the chart, closes it, and puts it back in its place. He picks up another one and begins to skim over it.

"Dr. Sloan."

Mark's head snaps up from his reading, and is surprised to see Derek standing in front of him. He hadn't spoken to Derek since their fight in the exam room.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Mark closes the chart and rests it on the nurses' station.

"I was looking for you to do a consult on a patient that I have coming in tomorrow, but you aren't on the schedule, and I noticed that you aren't on the schedule for the next few weeks."

_Should I tell him? I mean he's bound to find sometime._

"Derek I'm going back to New York."

Derek looks puzzled. "So does that mean…" Derek says trying to not sound hopeful.

"No, Meredith is coming back to New York with me. She wants a fresh start."

Derek eyes immediately shift down to the floor. He begins to look for his patient's chart.

Mark continues, "She, we just can't be here anymore. It's just too much."

Derek nods and grabs the chart he was looking for. He's visibly shaken. "Alright, Dr. Sloan, I guess I'll just go talk to Dr. Marsh about this case. Have a safe flight."

Meredith watches Derek walk away from Mark from across the hall.

_I guess he told him._

She catches Mark's eye. "I'm leaving now," she mouths to him. She rather not create a scene with her departure. Mark waves back at her. Meredith gives him a half-smile and takes the stairs down to the hospital lobby. She walks through the doors of Seattle Grace for the last time. She is relieved that she hadn't seen Derek this morning. She hadn't spoken to him since the parking lot of Joe's, and finally felt ready to attempt to move on.

She pulls out of the parking lot of the hospital.

_Here goes nothing…_

gagagagagagagagagaga

Mark is putting the last of his stuff into a small box on his desk when he hears a faint knock on his door.

"Come in."

The wooden door slowly opens.

"Addison." Mark is surprised to see her. He hasn't spoken to Addison since that night in front of the board.

_Derek must have told her. _

"I heard your going back to New York," Addison closes the door behind herself.

"Yeah, today is my last day."

Addison doesn't say anything for a few moments. She finally speaks again. "She's going with you isn't she?"

Mark swallows and repeats the same words he had told Derek, "Yeah, she is. We need a fresh start."

Addison nods, fighting back the tears. "Do you ever think of what would have happened if I didn't come here? If I stayed in New York… with you?"

"Addie, I think about it all the time…" Mark sits down in the chair behind his desk.

"What do you think would have happened? Do you think we would have made it?"

"I would have made you incredibly happy, and I would have loved you the way you deserved to be loved."

"Yeah, I think so too," Addison says tears now steaming down her face. "But I mean I came here. I had to fight for my marriage. I never though any of this would happen. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I know I miss you. Sometimes I think I miss you more than I can even bear."

Mark attempts to avoid her eyes. He can't stand to see her like this.

"Addie…"

"No, please don't say anything. You have the right to move on. You have the right to pursue a life, a love, that makes you happy. I hope she makes you happy. I just came down here to, to say goodbye, and I'm sorry."

Mark leans back in his chair, and watches the woman he still loves cry.


	10. Goodbye

_**Author's note: Thanks for all the great feedback. Short chapter—sorry. Enjoy and review.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**_

Meredith zips her final suitcase close and drags it down the stairs next to the door with the rest of her stuff. She sits down on her couch and looks around the house. It felt empty and lifeless. The silence hurts her ears.

The house doesn't look much different. She decided to leave everything behind. She wasn't ready to sell the house, not yet. Izzie and George were going to continue to live in the house; there was no reason for them to have to find another place to live. They already have enough going on in their lives.

The doorbell rings and jolts her out of her thoughts. She gets up and freezes when she sees Derek standing on the other side of the glass door.

_Why is he here?_

Meredith walks to the door and opens it.

"Yes," she says sounding a little more than distant.

Derek reflects her cool composure but there is something broken about the way he looks. "I hear you're moving to New York."

"I'm leaving tonight," Meredith says as she opens the door a little further to show him the mound of bags sitting by the door.

Derek stands there looking as if he wants to say something.

"Is there something that you need," Meredith asks.

Derek looks down to the door mat and back up at her. "Meredith don't go."

_What did he just say…_

"Excuse me?"

"Meredith, please don't go to New York."

Meredith eyes flash with anger, "So I can stay here and let you continue to break my heart. Why the hell would I stay here?"

"Because I love you."

"No, no you don't Derek. You're in love with the idea of having me. If you loved me, you couldn't… no. You don't love me."

"Meredith, I didn't mean any of that stuff I said that night at Joe's. I was hurt and angry and I was just lashing out. Mer, I'm sorry…"

"No Derek you have to go. If I stayed, what would really change… you're still very much married. I can't stay here and wait for you anymore. I have to move on, and Mark gives me the opportunity to move on."

"Your choice, it's simple. Him or me. Meredith...I love you. So much that I'd do the whole radio thing and listen to Duran to Duran until I'm blue in the face. Whatever as long as your happy. Pick me. Choose me. Love me." Derek's voice shakes as he slowly paraphrases the same words that Meredith said to him months ago.

_Meredith you have to get away from all of this. You have to…_

Tears are running down Meredith's face. "Derek, please don't do this. Derek, please just let me go. You have to let me go." Meredith moves to close to door.

Derek puts his foot in the way of the door and forces it back open. He grabs Meredith into his arms and kisses her deeply. The kiss continues to deepen as Meredith feels her knees to begin give out. Meredith breaks away as she attempts to catch her breath.

Derek steps backward onto the porch still holding the door open. "Goodbye, Meredith." Derek takes one more longing look at her as he closes the door behind himself and gets into his car.

"Goodbye, Derek," Meredith whispers as Derek's car pulls out of the driveway.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith looks through the door as the cab pulls into her driveway. Izzie, George, and Christina are standing by the stairs as Meredith puts on her jacket.

"Bye Izzie," Meredith moves towards her and hug the shell of what's left of Izzie. The sparkle her eye is gone. Izzie is gone. "Take care okay?" Meredith says as she embraces Izzie. Meredith felt badly for never really being there for Izzie, she was too wrapped up in her own life. She hoped Izzie would be okay, but deep down Meredith knew that she was never going to be the same."

Meredith moves to hug George. "Um… Meredith I'm sorry for calling you a, um… whore." Meredith smiles at George. "Don't worry about it… Seriously, it was a wake up call." And he was right. Meredith wishes she had listened to him sooner.

The cab begins to honk. "I have to go. I'll miss you guys. I'll give you a call as soon as get to New York."

"I'll help you with your bags," Christina offers as she moves towards to door carrying one of Meredith's bags.

Meredith takes one final look at her house, gives George and Izzie a sad smile, grabs her bags and exits the house.

Christina helps Meredith put her bags in the trunk. Christina moves to the sidewalk and stands next to Meredith. She throws her arms around the frail blonde. "Are you sure you want to do this."

_I'm not sure of anything anymore._

Meredith nods.

"Because you have a lot of people who love you and will miss you. Here. In. Seattle"

"I know."

"Are you sure you want to run away from all this. Some things are worth fighting for. You know he still loves you."

Meredith nods again; not wanting to speak for fear that would begin to cry.

"Meredith, take care of yourself, okay. If Mark hurts you I'll be on the next red eye to kick his ass."

Meredith laughs slightly. "I know," she whispers. She hugs Christina again.

"I'll call you okay?"

"Okay."

Meredith climbs into the cab and closes the door. The driver begins to drive. Meredith watches Christina, her house, and her former live fade out of her view. She rests her head back on the seat. She thinks about what Cristina said and she sighs loudly.

The cab driver turns to ask her a question. "Where to Ms.?"


	11. I want it all

_**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.**_

_Shit, I'm so late. I'm not going to make the flight._

She slams the cab door behind her and grabs her bags. Luckily there is no line in check-in. She quickly walks over to security. She looks at the long line.

_Thank God, I'm riding first class otherwise I'd be standing in that line._

She quickly scans her bags and walks through the security checkpoint. She walks through and the metal detectors go off. She turns around and walks through again.

_Shit._

"Excuse me ma'am you're going to go have to go through additional screening."

She exhales loudly, "I have twenty minutes before my flight leaves…"

"I'm sorry ma'am please come with me."

She walks with the security guard who pats her down and searches her bag. She puts her stuff back in her bag and takes off running. She runs down the long corridor of the airport.

_Where the hell is gate 22B? I'm going to miss this fucking plane._

She adjusts her bag on her shoulder as she continues to sprint to her gate. She finally approaches the gate as she sees the door being closed.

"No, no, wait. I'm supposed to be on that flight," she cries as she hands the attendant her ticket.

"I'm sorry I have to close the door."

"I have to be on this plane, please," she cries on the brink on tears.

The woman appears to soften and picks up the phone. She whispers something into the headpiece. The attendant puts down the phone and opens the door.

"Run," she tells her.

She runs down the narrow gate and is nearly breathless when she finally gets on the plane. She composes herself and sees Mark. He's leaning back in his chair. His eyes are closed. She slides her bag under the seat in front of her. She sits down next to Mark.

"Hey," he says still not opening his eyes. "I didn't think you were going to come."

"I didn't think I was going to make it."

Mark turns his head to face her and opens his eyes. "Addison."

Addison smiles at him. "I'm here, Mark. I'm here." She begins to cry through her smile.

Mark unlatches his seatbelt and grabs Addison into his arms. "You're here," he repeats.

Addison gives into his embrace. "Mark…"

Mark silences her with a kiss. "Sshh… you don't need to say anything. You're here now and that's all that matters."

The flight attendant begins to speak over the intercom and the cabin lights are dimmed. Addison moves over to latch her seatbelt. Mark feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He flips it open and looks at the text message on the screen—"Enough." Mark smiles to himself as he turns off his phone. He buckles his seatbelt and puts his arms around Addison.

"I love you so much, but you know that right." Mark says as he pulls her as close as the seat belt will allow her to come to him.

"I love you too Mark." Addison she rests her head on his chest. The plane engines roar, their sound blaring throughout the cabin. Addison closes her eyes and braces herself for the flight, and for their future.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Meredith pulls into the land in front of Derek's trailer. She sits there for a few moments trying to get her thoughts together.

She couldn't forget the look of Izzie and George's faces as she came back through the front door only five minutes after she left. Her face was stained with tears. She dropped her bags on the floor, turned and got in her Jeep.

She drove as she called the airline and changed the name on her ticket. She pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. She sprinted up the stairs to Addison's office.

"Addison," she said breathlessly.

Addison looked up thoroughly confused. "Meredith…" she looks at her watch. "What are you doing here?"

"I can't do this," Meredith said in between breaths. "The flight 2267 leaves for New York in forty-five minutes. You have a ticket. Go."

"Meredith…"

Meredith didn't move. "Addison, you have to go now if you're going to make the flight"

Addison grabbed her bag and stood up from her desk. She moved towards the door. She looked at Meredith, "Thank you." She left the small office and ran toward the stairwell.

Meredith takes off her seat belt and steps out of her Jeep. She walks towards the trailer door, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door. She hears Derek moving around inside as he makes him way to the front door.

_Meredith, calm down. Just tell him exactly how you feel._

Derek opens the door and the color drains from his face. "Meredith, what are you still doing here?"

"I hate you because I can't get on that plane. I hate you because I'm so utterly and completely in love with you, and I can't seem to move on with my life regardless of how hard I try."

"Meredith," Derek says as she takes a step forward and places his arm on her elbow. "You're here."

Meredith sniffles as the Seattle mist gathers on her blonde hair. Her eyes are smudged with her black eye makeup she has long cried off. She looks tired, cold and broken.

"Meredith come inside we'll talk."

"No." Meredith steps backward onto the porch. "I can't go in there because we'll talk and then we'll kiss, then we just won't figure anything out because I want nothing in the world right now than your lips on mine. So we have to stay out here. We have to talk."

Derek watches as Meredith rambles on. He walks into the trailer grabs two beers and hands one to Meredith. He walks over to the porch steps and sits down. Meredith sits down on the step below his. She opens her beer and takes a long sip. Meredith leans her head back on the banister and looks up at the stars.

"Derek, I'm so tired. This whole thing is tiring isn't it?" Meredith asks.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired. Meredith why didn't you get on that flight?"

"Because I couldn't settle for just enough. I want it all."

Derek thinks upon Meredith's words a few moments before speaking again. "I want it all too." Derek takes another sip of his beer. "I'm glad you decided to stay."

"I'm glad I stayed too."

"Do we need to talk more?"

Meredith laughs softly. "Yes, but not tonight."

Derek leans down from his step and kisses Meredith softly on the lips. Meredith wraps her arms around Derek. After a few moments Meredith breaks free from the kiss. She looks up at Derek.

"Meredith Grey I'm in love with you."

Meredith kisses him on the cheek and stands up. "I know. Good night Dr. Shepherd."

"Good night Dr. Grey"

Meredith sits her empty bottle on the stair step and walks to her Jeep. She swings open the door and climbs in. Tonight she is going home alone, but she's fairly certain that this would be the final night that would ever happen. She is Derek's. Addison is Mark's. Some things just go together.

_I couldn't settle for Just Enough. _

_**Author's Notes: Wow. I can't believe it's done. Thanks for all the amazing feedback along the way, you guys have been amazing. For all ya'll Mark/Mer fans I love them too, but my loyalties are with Mer/Der. So thanks for reading my story and I hope you enjoyed it. Expect a series of drabbles to come from me for the next few weeks!**_


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